Welcome to a brand new year! All indications are that it is going to be a shit one, so I will avoid it like the plague. I have a cunning plan, you see. My plan is deceptively simple (otherwise I’d never have thought of it) as it involves skipping forwards a few years to avoid the forthcoming unpleasantness. I have, therefore, unilaterally moved to 2014. From here it is possible to look back on 2011 without the inconvenience of having to go through it all; the cuts, the riots, the fall of the ConDem government, the 2012 Olympics… From here I can pontificate about the birth of the Trade Union inspired Real Labour Party (RLP). Its campaign swept the board in the 2012 elections and, with a substantial portion of the Labour and Lib Dems joining their cause, stepped daintily into the newly vacated 10 Downing Street on a crisp May morning.
If you could just see the country three years on from your sorry-ass 2011! A proper socialist alternative in power. Prime minister Bob Crow (The office of Prime Minister is now rotated every 6 months among members of the cabinet, Alan Johnson is up next) has so far nationalized rail, the banks (properly this time), imprisoned business leaders who threatened to to close factories in the UK if taxes went up (Anti-terrorism legislation does have its uses). Rupert Murdoch has just paid £40 bn in back taxes and promised to be more prompt in future. Higher Education Minister, Stephen Fry, has also made Oxford and Cambridge universities postgraduate only; breaking the chain of public school- oxbridge- boardroom/civil service that has so damaged the country. So far our economy is booming, employment is at an all-time high. Life is good.
But I’m digressing. What you want to know in 2011, is how do we get there from here? Obviously I don’t want to give away too much detail (paradoxes could ensue), so I will give a few broad hints here for you to unpick.
The new multi-player version of the New World Order is to be dominated by the BRUCIE powers (Brazil, Russia, USA, China, India and the EU). Obviously these powers agree on very little apart from wanting to be richer and more powerful than each other. Left to them, a jobless ‘recovery’ is on the cards. The only inspiration to be had there is in Brazil, where economic growth, freedom and salsa dancing are still compatible bedfellows. Studying Lula’s policies (and Michelle Bachelet’s in Chile) should be the way forward in socioeconomic terms – if you want to alleviate poverty, that is (you may not want to, who knows?).
World events will continue to be erratic. There will be no solution to the Palestine/Israeli situation, Iraq and Afghanistan will not be pacified militarily, Pakistan will limp on. In 2013 Hugo Chavez may or may not survive a CIA-backed assassination attempt, Blackpool’s premiership title might be challenged at the high court by Manchester City on the grounds that they spent more money and it just isn’t fair. Should I tell you what the judge ruled? Probably not. In the world of technology, Japan develops a robot that can make sushi and cook fugu safely without poisoning yakuza kingpins. Invisibility cloaking technology enables hipster jeans to look like they’ve been slung around the knees (so-called ‘pantsdowns’ become the fashion hit that defines the decade).
Well, its been fun talking to you all. I’m off to Rio tomorrow to watch the World Cup. It should be a good one. Most of the newspapers are really optimistic that this could be England’s year. I chuckle as I read their overblown assessments of our chances in these finals. Predictions? You’d have to be a fool to make them, really… A total asshole.