Science Project

  Jehovah glanced round at the door as Shiva came in. The visitor grinned with momentary embarrassment.

“Alright Jay?”

“No bad Shiv. OK?

“Yeah. Your mum let me in. She’s nice.” Shiva took a look around the bedroom. Sports trophies and schoolbooks were stacked on the shelves above the bed in a pleasingly random manner. The bed was unmade and the floor covered in discarded clothing. “Nice room.”

“Yeah, it’s OK”, agreed Jehovah, “although mum keeps nagging me to clean it.”

“Bah! You should hear my mum nagging. Never bloody stops. So, what are we going to start with? Geography is first period and we got an assignment due..”

“Alright, but first I’ll show you this. It’s dead funny it is!” Jehovah crossed the room to the computer. He flicked the switch with a tentacle and it powered up with a jangly musical note.

“Ah, is that for the science project?”

“Yeah. Creation class. I’m really going to give Mr Thor a heart attack with this one.”

Shiva smiled. Mr Thor was perhaps the most unpopular teacher at the school. “So, what have you done, then?”

Jehova grinned. “Well, I fucked up the primary intelligence species for a start. Look!”

Shiva gasped as the image of the chosen species appeared on the screen. “That’s fucking hideous! How did you get to something like that?”

“Well, it’s basically an ape.”

“I can see that. But you’ve taken all the fur off. It’s gross!”

“Oh, come on! I left some on there.”

“You mean the tufts on the head? Man, they look revolting. Biped ape-things with no body hair? Thor’s gonna kill you!”

“Well, I figured everyone else would do an octopus or a pachyderm of some sort, so I thought…”

“But an ape! And what have you done to its muzzle?”

“Turned the nostrils upside down.”

“You are sick, Jay. That’s horrible.”

“Look further down, wait, there!” Jehovah flicked a switch. Two specimens (one male, one female) appeared side by side on the screen, rotating so that all details could be examined.

“That’s… weird.”

“What I’ve done is put the sex organs of the female at the front.”


“So they have to look each other in the face when copulating! Ha, ha!”

“Have I told you how sick you are?”

“Oh, come on! That’s funny.”

“Funny? You’ll fail the module, man. Zoroaster tried it on last term with a mealybug, remember? They put him in the remedial class.”

Jehovah shrugged. “Don’t care if I fail.”

Shiva stared at his friend, so replete with youthful bravado. “Come on Jay, be sensible. Next year Creation studies will be a breeze with Miss Aphrodite taking the class. Don’t blow it over something like this.”

“Bah, perhaps you’ve got a point. Maybe I should trash them and start again.”

“With those sort of aggression levels they’ll die soon anyway. Besides, it’s not like they’re in your own image or anything.”

Jehovah smiled. He knew Shiva was right. “Sorted. I’ll let the program run until they die, then start again with some ants. Right, what should we do about this Geography assignment?”

Both friends got down to their assignment with gusto. As the computer-sim ran on, the hairless ape-things discovered nuclear fusion. They’d wipe themselves out well before teatime.

About floppybootstomp

Lecturer, teacher, writer and traveller all perfectly good nouns aren't they? Do they have anything to do with me? Ask the taxman.

Posted on September 7, 2010, in Fiction and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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