English Gods

 “Howdo, Bill.”


“Nice out.”

“If you say so. Peppermint cream?”

“Cheers, thanks.”

“You heard about her at number eleven, then?”

“The bungalow?”

“Yeah, the one with the red gravel on the drive.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Well, my Eileen was was on her mobility last week and she’s going down the pavement…”


“As it happens, yes. She was going to Sainsbury’s…”

“Don’t like their apples.”

“No. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Eileen gets to number eleven just as she’s reversing out of her drive and they get chatting, like.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Eileen says, you know, ‘how are you doing’ and that. Just neighbourly, like and she says to her she’s going off to Australia.”


“Yeah, nice. But then she turns round and says she’s going for six months!”


“Yeah. So Eileen says ‘that’s a long time to be away’ and she says that her sister lives out there and that she’s going to stay with her.”

“Six months?”

“Near Cairns. Well, once you’re out there, might as well stay for bit, mightn’t you?”

“I suppose.”

“And get this. She says to Eileen that she’s going to have a couple staying in the bungalow while they’re away. To house-sit for them, like.”

“Ah! New neighbours.”

“That’s what Eileen says. She says ‘Are they nice?’, ‘Do we know them?’ and guess what she comes back with?”

“I dunno.”

“She says, right –no word of a lie, she says ‘you don’t know ’em, they’re old friends of my Steve’s. Lovely couple names of Tiw and Ipona.’”

“Fucking hell!”

“That’s what I said!”

“So where are these from, then?”


“Fucking hell!”

“Gods, apparently.”

“Well, you know me, Albert. I’m an easy-going sort of chap, I can take or leave most folk –but Gods? I just don’t believe in ’em.”


(Written by D. Ribot. Not to be confused with American Gods by Neil Gaiman, especially in case of legal action)


About floppybootstomp

Lecturer, teacher, writer and traveller all perfectly good nouns aren't they? Do they have anything to do with me? Ask the taxman.

Posted on February 20, 2010, in Fiction and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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